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Colour

So to continue what I was saying before, things have greatly improved and are looking up but now then problem is me.
I feel like the colour has gone out of me . Like I am this muted version of who I was. I am going through all the motions of all the things I like to do and see and in my head I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep. I could sleep for weeks.

So I has started to write this because I am going to be 40 this year and I want it back

I get a windows where I feel good, mostly if I am with the kid or D and I are talking about moving into the van but it’s fleeting. I want the colour back. People around me all seem to be moving forward and I feel stuck . I am not going to dwell. I want to feel again and I think a lot of it is a healing thing. I need to observe my life . So good or bad I am going to take you with me

It's been awhile

Good morning all,

My god it has been a while since I posted anything here . So much has changed in my life. Like so much. I feel like over the last 2 years i have grown up, maybe in ways not for the best. Cone out of it a little jaded, a little scared and a little less trusting. That said I have come out if it with ultimate faith in the things i know and the people that love me .Let me start from the beginning.

I was in finance for years, I had a plan. Work until the kid was graduated, try to save as much money as possible and then move into something mobile like a van with Chef D where we would happily travel , eat and blog with our very established by then Vagrant foodies blog.

Well, then life got in the way and i found myself no longer working at the bank. Jobless with 10k to my name to live on i ended up running a fast food restaurant for a year while at 38 i tried to figure out what i wanted to be when i grew up. Again i had a bit of a plan, Chef D, always my champion was there …

inspired

I have spent a few days feeling really not well. Not physically well as there is major smoke in BC from all the wildfires and not mentally well as I am having a crisis about my job.

I keep wondering if this job that I love is worth it. Do I love it, or do I just love the fact that I have it and I am the boss. I have only ever had two passions, two things that I have wanted to be when I grow up . I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to go into medicine.

 I love the food industry, I love the people and the feel of the speed and the pressure. The end of the day when you know that you have fought a war and won.  But lately, it is feeling like too much. I am working 11 hour days which was not the plan. I am putting out fires on my days off with the people who are working there and I am constantly worried about things like labor and sales and all the things that made me want to leave the bank in the first place.

At the bank I simply gave in to the feeling of " well I am going to fail …

lonley at the top of the mountain

So I run a store, a fast food restaurant which is a far cry from my days of working in a bank. I love my job and I am alot happier doing this than I was doing that.

It is lonley at the top of the mountain, It seems I can not make anyone happy, everyone picks at everyone and making one person happy just makes another one irritated and pissy.

I suppose I am just having a day with it today, I am wired not to know how to not succeed. I really am the person that if given a target I take it to heart if we dont hit that target, plus any customer concerns feel so personal.

I have been ready books on leadership and been trying to go one day at a time but my own cloud of desperation and need looms over my head. I NEED to do well so that I can get raises, make more and get closer to my life in the RV with Dave. I need to accomplish what I told them I can.

That is the thing that makes me wake up in the middle of the night, How do I get this place to run as a well oiled machine? How do I get peop…

taking steps toward a nomadic life

Dave and I spent hours this morning watching you tube videos about van life and RV life.  We got excited talking about what we would keep and what we would let go of.
Talking about the different modifications people are making and how we can best utilize the space.

 We are considering getting a camper van to start, I know it seems odd to start smaller instead of bigger, after all we are actually talking about taking the whole house and condensing it into a van size space and calling it home!

I started thinking and the biggest challenge that we are facing is getting together enough money to buy our home on wheels. I have financial obligations that I cannot let go of, I pay the mortgage on the house that my mom is living in and I do not see that changing any time soon This makes the income that I have ( and it is not substantial ) all spoken for.

We decided to do the little things, I am going to start trying to sell my knitted wares again, we are going to dedicate all the money we get …

The goals

Just want to put in writing what I hope to accomplish over the next year. I will only from my income pay the mortgage which is 2000 a month . In a year's time with all the various income sources I should be able to pay off my credit totalling 7300. The goal is to be debt free by next July. 50 punds less by next July and have had at least one more raise by next July . I will do this by not spending, I do not have any extra income when you look at the numbers anyway , and by sticking to a healthy food plan. I am an emotional spender and eater . Believe me right now I want to strap a bag of chips on my face so badly you would not believe it . I am 38 and I have no savings. Not a penny. There is actually .06 cents in my savings account . I was a financial advisor for 10 years. I know how to do this it simply isn't going to be easy . My salary is low at 36000 a year but I believe I can do this . One dollar at a time.

A day today

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Today has not been a great day . Teenager drama , work drama . Feels like an uphill battle . I woke up this morning feeling like something was wrong , like a black cloud over my head. If I break it down my life is pretty great . I am lucky enough to have the live of my life  , a wonderful family even if a little unconventional and I love my job. All this and I still feel like there is a black cloud over me. I thought I could fix it by leaving my job in finance and that went a long way to making me happier but now that the shock of that has worn off it's 10 months later and I feel the fear of failure creeping back in.
I believe that this is me not feeling I for my skin. Still over weight , always day one , always trying to be the person I see in my head. A constant game of dress up. So today I am wallowing . I have stuck to the food plan although I can hear the kitchen full of carbs calling my name today . I am laying on the bed with the cat hoping I just fall asleep and feel bett…