I have spent a few days feeling really not well. Not physically well as there is major smoke in BC from all the wildfires and not mentally well as I am having a crisis about my job.

I keep wondering if this job that I love is worth it. Do I love it, or do I just love the fact that I have it and I am the boss. I have only ever had two passions, two things that I have wanted to be when I grow up . I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to go into medicine.

 I love the food industry, I love the people and the feel of the speed and the pressure. The end of the day when you know that you have fought a war and won.  But lately, it is feeling like too much. I am working 11 hour days which was not the plan. I am putting out fires on my days off with the people who are working there and I am constantly worried about things like labor and sales and all the things that made me want to leave the bank in the first place.

At the bank I simply gave in to the feeling of " well I am going to fail anyway I may as well just fail epicly" I wont do that here. I care way to much to do a bad job, but I am starting to feel the effects.

I have honestly been applying for jobs the last couple days and I have been applying for school too. I think that my best bet and the thing that is going to get us in to the RV faster is that I simply have to buckle up and work a little more, a little harder and focus every piece of my being into making a saving money. I also need to write every day. I started a story this morning because I woke up inspired. It is a simple story inspired by a dream i had of us driving away with the cat in the RV, coffee in our hands and heading for who knows where. I hang on to that. I treasure it .

I admit I am often afraid that something will happen. That one of us will get sick or something will go on in life and we wont get there. I  am not afraid of not having extra money I am afraid of not having enough to sustain ourselves. Then I remind myself that I can always get a job. I have been the queen of always getting a job no matter what.

I have made this plan before, the go get a second job and save every penny plan. really this time if I can land something I need to just save the money. Pretend it does not exist.

I need 10 grand. I will focus it one at a time, dollar by dollar but that is what I need.

I also need to learn to let my job go when I am not there, to relax and let other people just be, I can not fix the world. Not the world of my daughter who is working her way through teenage hell or my neice who is trying to make choices that will move her ahead in the world while some old ones still rear their heads. Or my mother who sadly regrets some of the cards that life has dealt her. I love them, they are my family and my life but I did not and can not make their choices only my own . So I need now to focus on making choices that will help us all to get where and what we want.

Today I started a story , I dont know how long it will be or where it is going, but I started.



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